"Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up."
"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
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